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At the time me and my cousin Sophie were really close, we use to hang around together, play video games, just your general stuff. It was the day of our grandads funeral where it all started. After the funeral we went round to our other uncles house where there was a party to celebrate his life and seen as I was driving my brother and mum home I weren't drinking any alcohol, so as the party starts going to full motion my cousin had a little bit to drink and was feeling tipsy. So she asked me to dance. As I wasn't drunk I was hesitant but went anyway and started dancing with her. After about 3 songs a slow song played so people paired up and I was still paired with her. As the song gets half way through we made eye contact while I was holding her waist and she had her arms round the back of my head and kept it that way. And had it not of been for my family being there I would've kissed her coz I would've just felt right. Rather than do that and get caught I left and went to the. I was happy for Susheela. I was even happy for Jim. I was not happy for myself. I put on a sort of 'happy indifference' — I even helped Jim plan his Christmas present outing for Su ... Oh, God...I loved him.But I loved him too much to have him just because ... I don't know, because he pitied me? Because he felt he owed me something? I wanted to be sure he loved me.When Su died, I mourned my friend. But it was much worse watching Jim come apart. I watched him functioning like an automaton, going through the motions of living. I sat with him, walked with him and tried to talk to him, but I couldn't get through to him.When Mrs. Price rang to say Jim was in a terrible state, I was there as quickly as I could possibly be. I was pretty sure what had precipitated his state, but that didn't really give me an answer. That came through an incidental comment by someone who'd rung about my entry for the next year's Renishaw classic car and bike show. I knew Charles Newton and Natalie from.
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